The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great