DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
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shampoo implies shampee
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
(Jupiter –
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
That took me a moment.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
🤣🤣
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background