You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it