Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
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Does beer think about me too?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.