I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Happy Caturday!
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
asking santa clause for nudes
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”