Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
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*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Kids: Stay in school.