the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…