Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
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In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
dictator is short for richard potato
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*