Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence