what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Cheers Twitter.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
In case you needed to hear it:
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.