I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.