A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
jesus, what did this guy do
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*