Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
she has a point
The Birdles
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.