Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
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[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent