me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
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West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”