No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid