ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…