2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.