[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering