My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
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Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
shampoo implies shampee
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
This squirrel eats better than I do
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am