2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Why are bridges so flammable.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.