I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
#inspiration #foodforthought
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics