Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
You Might Also Like
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!