[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks