It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
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Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
me 2 months after i graduated
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Don’t snitch tag.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂