Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter