“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
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Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.