Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
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God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Van Gone
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.