This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I love wikipedia
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Self-cleaning conscience
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.