did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
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I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
the prophecy has been fulfilled
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”