WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
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Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I am also baked goods
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: