I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
You Might Also Like
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣