Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
You Might Also Like
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession