Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
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Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what鈥檚 his name
Me: I don鈥檛 know he won鈥檛 tell us
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 馃嚘馃嚭
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it鈥檇 be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
That鈥檚 easy for you to say
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?