[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels