You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Always 🥴
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Every photo I’m tagged in
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style