That 馃憡
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I 鉂わ笍 murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 馃敨 everyone
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone鈥檚 playing the bagpipes.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
The worst words a parent can hear: I鈥檓 not tired
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that鈥檚 right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what鈥檇 he say
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it鈥檚 a public beach
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
*first date*
Her: I鈥檓 a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
me w/kids:
Don鈥檛 tell anybody where you learned that.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it鈥檒l remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.