He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
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9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Spell check is for lasers.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.