[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Ain’t no way
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”