I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
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I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
This is me 🤣🤣