The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
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7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.