Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
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Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit