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HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Candles never taste the way they smell
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help