Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
For those that worship cheese..