EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.