My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
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Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Shortcut
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
This is my favorite one of these!
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.