When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
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Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Cake!!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking