Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Meow?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.