The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*