[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
You Might Also Like
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
why I oughta
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.